by Jon Olvera
Loss comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, none of which can be bottled up and analyzed in order to come up with a formula for dealing with it. With loss comes a tricky response called grief, which is a combination of several emotions. There are several different definitions of grief and an ever-growing compassion and deeper understanding of it. Where before grief might have looked very rigid and singularly defined in the past, now it is much more flexible and open. Here are a few important factors to keep in mind as we know grief today.
· While grief is often linked to the loss of a loved one and the anguish that comes after, it can also include any loss and the reaction that follows.
· Grief is an individual experience which means that no one experiences it the same way. Even if two people both lose the same thing at the same time, they’ll grieve differently than each other.
· As individual and unique as we are, so is our grief. Even though we may cycle through the stages of grief, nothing is set about which stages or when we will experience them.
· Grief is expressed both culturally and individually. Different cultures grieve in their own ways just as perhaps an extroverted person might grieve differently from an introverted person.
· Grief isn’t on the calendar. With time, grief lessens but we can’t put a limit on it nor can we schedule when we’ll hit the next stage. Grief often comes at us like waves - which can give us relief between waves, but they can also catch us off guard with a rogue wave out of nowhere. *
Deciding to face it. Much of the consensus today is that while grief is inevitable in our lives it is something that can lead to growth and transformation. Jerry Sittser in his book on catastrophic loss writes, “It is not the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives…It is how we respond to loss that matters.” One of the most logical reactions to grief is to avoid it, and rightly so; it hurts! Why would we ever want to allow pain into our lives? This logic helps protect us from pain, but it also keeps us from growth. Illogic as it sounds, there is something about pain that makes us grow; and likely there is no growth without it. Likewise, our physical muscles cannot and will not grow unless they are broken down first.
Sittser tells of his initial decision to enter the darkness of his grief after he had a recurring dream about chasing the sun into the western sunset and waking exhausted after the sun was gone. After talking about this with several people, someone told him, “The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.” Read that again. As you read that, what do you notice? Is there fear? Resistance? Agreement? It’s a daunting task to enter the darkness of loss and to face it, and maybe it’s time.
If you’re in that lane and getting ready to face your grief, here are a few tips for your journey. Don’t be in a hurry. You might say, “I just want to get this over with” and try to start too soon before you’re ready. Things like joining a support group and sharing your story are important but there is a waiting period and opening too soon can cause more hurt. You will go through your grief yourself. No one else processes your grief for you. We can’t, otherwise there would be stores all over the place offering to do so. So, it is your journey alone, and I highly recommend a guide. Find someone who has walked it before. In reading several books on grief and loss, I’ve found one thing that is important in these books. Especially with Jerry Sittser I get a sense that he knows what I’ve gone through. As different as our grief is and the circumstances around it, he understands the struggle of the darkness of grief. He didn’t rush his own grieving, and I get the sense that he would rush ours. You will change. Loss changes us and many of us will just want to feel normal again or get back to normal life. There is now something of great importance that is missing in our lives so how can we get back to normal?
Have you been running west chasing the sun? Is it time to turn east and face the darkness of grief? Loss is a very real part of life. It’s exhausting and it’s scary and it’s dark and there is also hope and light.
Jonathan Olvera is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate in Richardson, TX who works with individuals who are struggling with loss in life. He is trained in AEDP which works at slowing down and undoing the aloneness each of us face in the struggle of loss.
Jon is married to his wife of over 20 years and together they have 4 children. He is from the rural northwest and in his spare time enjoys time in nature hiking and fishing, and his new hobby golf.
References and resources
* Hospice Foundation Of America - What is Grief? (n.d.). Hospice Foundation of America. https://hospicefoundation.org/Grief-(1)/What-to-Expect
Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Scribner.
Lewis, C. S. (2009). A Grief Observed. Harper Collins.
O’Malley, P., & Madigan, T. (2017). Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss. Sounds True.
Sittser, J. L. (2009b). A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss. Zondervan.
Vanauken, S. (2011). A Severe Mercy. Harper Collins.