Finding purpose and connection amidst the chaos of life

By Charisse Tay

Existentialism is a philosophy that has intrigued and inspired me for many years. It is a perspective that emphasizes our freedom to create meaning in our own lives, and it holds that the meaning of life is something that we must create for ourselves. As a therapist, I have found that exploring this perspective with my clients can be incredibly beneficial for their mental and emotional well-being. I would like to share some of my thoughts and reflections on how existentialism can be used to help us find meaning and purpose in our lives.

As a therapist, I have seen firsthand how overwhelming it can feel to be lost and disconnected, to feel like life has no purpose or direction. Many of my clients come to me feeling like they are just going through the motions of life, without any real sense of meaning or fulfillment. They often describe feelings of being “stuck”, emptiness, depression, and anxiety. These feelings point to a deeper sense of alienation from the world around them.

These feelings can be difficult to navigate, but I believe that they can also be an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. One way to explore these feelings is through the lens of existentialism.

Existentialism is a philosophical perspective that emphasizes the individual's freedom to create meaning in their own lives. It holds that the meaning of life is something that we must discover for ourselves, and that we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness and well-being. This can be a difficult concept to grasp, especially when we are feeling lost and disconnected, but it also offers a sense of freedom and agency. Instead of looking for a pre-determined purpose or direction, we can create our own path and find meaning in our own way.

One way to explore these ideas in therapy is through journaling and self-reflection. I encourage clients to explore their thoughts and feelings about their existence, which can provide a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. It can also help us to see that our feelings of meaninglessness are not unique, but rather a common human experience. By acknowledging these feelings and exploring them, we can begin to understand and accept them. This can be an important step in finding meaning and purpose in their lives.

Another way to explore existentialism in therapy is through mindfulness practices. Mindfulness can help to ground us in the present moment, which can be a powerful antidote to feelings of emptiness. By paying attention to our thoughts and emotions, we can begin to see that our mind is always in motion, and that our thoughts and emotions are not always accurate reflections of reality. This can give us a sense of perspective and help us to see that our feelings are temporary and that we are not defined by them. Like waves, our feelings and thoughts come and go. Mindfulness can also help us to see the beauty and mystery of life, which can be a powerful reminder that there is more to life than our immediate thoughts and emotions.

One of the most powerful aspects of existentialism is the realization that we are not alone in our struggles. We all have moments of feeling lost and disconnected, and this is a universal human experience. Recognizing this can help us to feel less isolated and more connected to the world around us. The therapy room creates an opportunity for us to connect to another person in the here-and-now.

Existentialism also reminds us that we have the freedom and agency to create our own meaning and purpose in life. Instead of looking for answers from external sources, we can look within ourselves and find what is truly important to us. This can be a difficult process, but it is also incredibly empowering.

Another aspect of existentialism that is particularly relevant to therapy is the emphasis on personal responsibility. We are not victims of circumstance, but rather we have the power to shape our own lives. This can be a difficult concept to accept, especially when we are going through difficult times, but it also offers a sense of hope and the possibility for change.

Exploring life from an existential perspective can be a challenging but ultimately rewarding process. It can help us understand ourselves and the world around us in a deeper way and can also provide a sense of purpose and direction in our lives. Through the use of journaling, mindfulness practices, and self-discovery, we can learn to accept themselves as we are and to find meaning in our lives. It's not an easy task, but taking the time to explore our existence can have a profound impact on our mental and emotional well-being.

Charisse is a pre-licensed professional in Dallas, TX who works with individuals living with anxiety and depression to help them connect with deeper purpose and meaning in life. She blogs at http://charissetay.com.

Charisse works out of ROCC’s Richardson office. To schedule an appointment with her, please call 469-619-7622 or email ROCC's Richardson office at ROCC.Richardson@richlandoaks.org.

What are Diagnoses For?

by Jeremy Cooper

I remember early on in my education hearing that diagnosing was not as important as maybe the general public might believe. So then you hear cases where someone Googles their symptoms and determines they meet some criteria for some condition and they start saying that is what they have. So how do we as therapists reconcile that?

            One part of the debate is whether or not we, as therapists, should use a medical model to our treatment approach. What this means is are we looking at clusters of symptoms and assuming that everyone with this cluster meets this diagnosis? And if we are, then I can take someone that says “Oh I have major depressive disorder” and infer precisely what their symptoms could. Has good predictive validity, to use a fancy research term, no? And maybe we’re getting our predictions right most of the time. So what is the problem with that model?

            Well, several therapists feel as though that model goes in the face of what psychotherapy can be as a holistic treatment. If we focus too much on symptoms, then do we end up missing some existential journey to finding purpose or do we look over them as valuable persons? And don’t get me wrong, several people have reason to stand by both of these remarks. It has been the case that individuals perceived their healthcare professionals have focused too much on their symptoms and not listened. So when it comes to us as therapists, how should we focus on diagnosing? And the bigger question, is why should the general public care how we diagnose??

            I’ll give three cases where I believe diagnoses can be beneficial to professionals and the public alike. And I believe each of these can be true whether your healthcare professional uses a medical model or a humanistic approach:

1.       Diagnosis gives a common language and a common people group. So now we are talking about what having a diagnosis can do for how you relate to others in similar cases. Of course it is tremendous to have others around to support you. But more than that, knowing what community to look for (i.e., a postpartum depression group) gives you access to not only the unique experiences of those around you, but it puts you in the vicinity of those that are likely to going to empathize with you. And more than that, it can give you the chance that they offer an incredibly insightful take on your situation.

2.       Diagnosis gives access. Whether you need a diagnosis for school accommodations or you need to have a diagnosis in order to get an emotional support animal, these descriptions hold validity – and for good reason. They say you have a unique take to how you operate that should not be discouraged or shamed, but embraced by making equitable adjustments to everyday demands.

3.       Diagnoses advocate for you. This last one is my own take, and albeit an odd description, is one I love. Otto Kernberg, psychoanalyst and psychiatrist, was once reported saying ‘Diagnoses are for the analyst’s anxieties’ (source unknown). Perhaps what he meant by this is that we, as therapists/analysts, encounter people every day that require our help. And that help entails a certain expertise into the human psyche, human condition, and fundamentals of how the psyche heals itself all while listening intently to how our patients navigate their minds. And so, we hear conflicting emotions, thoughts, and beliefs as patients attempt to make sense of their minds. So when we hear something as a symptom, perhaps me giving you a diagnosis is really just to let me know to expect a, b, c to show up as I’m relating to you. Perhaps diagnosing just helps me manage my own mind and curiosity as I get to know you as a human being. And so while it is important, it is not the end-all-be-all. Instead, it gives credence for how your mind is working right now. And that is what I mean by diagnoses advocate for patients – they become a useful metric for me to embrace so that I can better relate to you in sessions.

I hope that these perspectives are helpful in you finding what treatment is best for you. Of course, feel free to reach out if you ever have any questions about these. One of my passions is to conduct research that expands on our ability conceptualize symptoms, right now in the arena of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

For more resources that take a critical lens to what we mean by diagnosing and symptoms, I invite you to look at these two books:

1)      The WEIRDest People in the World: How the West Became Psychologically Peculiar and Particularly Prosperous by Joseph Henrich (2020) (The acronym WEIRD stands for White, Educated, Industrial, Rich, and Democratic)

2)      Crazy Like Us: The Globalization of the American Psyche by Ethan Watters (2010)

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Jeremy Cooper is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Texas (#80205) that specializes in PTSD, Dissociative disorders, and grief. He is currently conducting research on how metaphor aids in psychotherapy and is a PhD student in Counseling & Psychological Studies at Regent University. He can be reached at (214) 810-5861 or jeremy.cooper@richlandoaks.org to schedule a session.

Experiencing Grief

by Jon Olvera

Loss comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, none of which can be bottled up and analyzed in order to come up with a formula for dealing with it. With loss comes a tricky response called grief, which is a combination of several emotions. There are several different definitions of grief and an ever-growing compassion and deeper understanding of it. Where before grief might have looked very rigid and singularly defined in the past, now it is much more flexible and open. Here are a few important factors to keep in mind as we know grief today.

·    While grief is often linked to the loss of a loved one and the anguish that comes after, it can also include any loss and the reaction that follows. 

·    Grief is an individual experience which means that no one experiences it the same way. Even if two people both lose the same thing at the same time, they’ll grieve differently than each other.

·    As individual and unique as we are, so is our grief. Even though we may cycle through the stages of grief, nothing is set about which stages or when we will experience them.

·    Grief is expressed both culturally and individually. Different cultures grieve in their own ways just as perhaps an extroverted person might grieve differently from an introverted person.

·    Grief isn’t on the calendar. With time, grief lessens but we can’t put a limit on it nor can we schedule when we’ll hit the next stage. Grief often comes at us like waves - which can give us relief between waves, but they can also catch us off guard with a rogue wave out of nowhere. *

                  Deciding to face it. Much of the consensus today is that while grief is inevitable in our lives it is something that can lead to growth and transformation. Jerry Sittser in his book on catastrophic loss writes, “It is not the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives…It is how we respond to loss that matters.” One of the most logical reactions to grief is to avoid it, and rightly so; it hurts! Why would we ever want to allow pain into our lives? This logic helps protect us from pain, but it also keeps us from growth. Illogic as it sounds, there is something about pain that makes us grow; and likely there is no growth without it. Likewise, our physical muscles cannot and will not grow unless they are broken down first.

Sittser tells of his initial decision to enter the darkness of his grief after he had a recurring dream about chasing the sun into the western sunset and waking exhausted after the sun was gone. After talking about this with several people, someone told him, “The quickest way for anyone to reach the sun and the light of day is not to run west, chasing after the setting sun, but to head east, plunging into the darkness until one comes to the sunrise.” Read that again.  As you read that, what do you notice? Is there fear? Resistance? Agreement? It’s a daunting task to enter the darkness of loss and to face it, and maybe it’s time.

If you’re in that lane and getting ready to face your grief, here are a few tips for your journey. Don’t be in a hurry. You might say, “I just want to get this over with” and try to start too soon before you’re ready. Things like joining a support group and sharing your story are important but there is a waiting period and opening too soon can cause more hurt. You will go through your grief yourself. No one else processes your grief for you. We can’t, otherwise there would be stores all over the place offering to do so. So, it is your journey alone, and I highly recommend a guide. Find someone who has walked it before. In reading several books on grief and loss, I’ve found one thing that is important in these books. Especially with Jerry Sittser I get a sense that he knows what I’ve gone through. As different as our grief is and the circumstances around it, he understands the struggle of the darkness of grief. He didn’t rush his own grieving, and I get the sense that he would rush ours. You will change. Loss changes us and many of us will just want to feel normal again or get back to normal life. There is now something of great importance that is missing in our lives so how can we get back to normal?

Have you been running west chasing the sun? Is it time to turn east and face the darkness of grief? Loss is a very real part of life. It’s exhausting and it’s scary and it’s dark and there is also hope and light.

Jonathan Olvera is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate in Richardson, TX who works with individuals who are struggling with loss in life. He is trained in AEDP which works at slowing down and undoing the aloneness each of us face in the struggle of loss.

Jon is married to his wife of over 20 years and together they have 4 children. He is from the rural northwest and in his spare time enjoys time in nature hiking and fishing, and his new hobby golf.

References and resources

* Hospice Foundation Of America - What is Grief? (n.d.). Hospice Foundation of America. https://hospicefoundation.org/Grief-(1)/What-to-Expect

Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.

Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Scribner.

Lewis, C. S. (2009). A Grief Observed. Harper Collins.

O’Malley, P., & Madigan, T. (2017). Getting Grief Right: Finding Your Story of Love in the Sorrow of Loss. Sounds True.

Sittser, J. L. (2009b). A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss. Zondervan.

Vanauken, S. (2011). A Severe Mercy. Harper Collins.

Today's Unsightly Three-Letter Word

by Jeremy Cooper

The writing of this comes during the COVID-19 pandemic that floods much of the world. Many are at-risk of contracting the illness and for some, the course of the illness could mean frightening results. The public has been forced into this mindset of survival – not by social distancing regulations, but rather by fear and anxiety. These times have led to more than six feet of distance between one another. For that reason, it is pertinent to ponder an emotion that is likely to be the last thing on everyone’s mind. So much so that it seems insulting and inconsiderate to speak of it: Joy.

This piece serves both as an invitation to thought and an incorporation of a chapter identified in a book on dissociation.[i] How fitting for this emotion to be brought up in a book that discusses the very elements we are not aware of and often times choose to put aside. It is perhaps even more fitting to consider the emotion of joy in these times. It is not conflictual to hold apparently incongruent emotions at the same time, both within ourselves and as is the case when we extend empathy to others. In the chapter mentioned, Dr. Karen Weisbard discusses the nature of joy. For many individuals, “joy” seems vaguely similar to “happiness”, “pleasure”, or “cheerfulness.” For some, the thought of “joy” comes across as someone who is beyond themselves in pure elation and often times out-of-touch with the vibe of the room, and actually gets misinterpreted quite often. Joy gets linked to positive psychology literature quite often and seen as being unrealistic, inappropriate, or frankly annoying to people. However, I think it is possible to be joyful and also realistic within the room.

We interact within our internal worlds. This subjectivity is how we view the world and how we internalize the world by making sense of things, to the degree that we can actually become locked within our own mind. Emotions become a language filtered through our lens of experiences and development. Conversely, we interact with the world through understanding one another’s intersubjectivity. This has the potential to be reassuring at times or it could lead to misinterpretation when we are unable to find a means of translating the others’ language, and vice versa. These languages communicate and as we learn to hold dichotomous emotions that we or others are experiencing as tolerable, we are better able to see one another.

All throughout our lives we come to terms with the fact that we are to navigate having our needs met while everyone else has their needs met. By result of this quest, we have the opportunity to be recognized by oneself and the Other. In this, we arrive at mutual recognition – within this space we see that we are not in conflict with one another, but rather can help one another meet needs. When one steps outside of themselves into this realm of mutual recognition, they see that they are a part of something larger. For many that can be the world, their belief system, or a larger role to play.

Inversely, what often happens is we become confined to our own lives. In times of crisis and stress, we are inclined to recede inward. To challenge that pull, the experience of joy is something beyond happiness or positivity. I characterize joy as a state; much more than a temporary emotion. According to Weisbard, it is in joy that we are able to see the delight we have in ourselves while also seeing how we fit into this world. Joy goes beyond merely what is happening in our lives and incorporates the potential for what we can do within the lives of others. Through joy, we discover what it means to be ourselves. We take on new interests, new questions to ask; yet, often times it runs counter to what someone is feeling. In this, there is recognition of sadness, pain, grief, loss, and other pains. It is in these moments -- recognizing the full brevity of our experience -- we learn how best to care for someone else. We learn what we are capable of during this time – navigating through our painful experiences interlaced with happiness. In fact, joy is the result of being able to experience each emotional state that we are comprised of and in doing so, recognize ourselves more fully. Amidst all of this, is a central focal point that draws us back; a state of togetherness, a sense of purpose, and a sense of community and relationships. In emphasizing the mutuality of relationships, joy can be better understood. The empathy and openness we extend to ourselves and others leads to increased joy.

Joy feels inappropriate during this time. Even as I write this, I recognize the awkwardness of this topic. However, when we choose to see ourselves for who we are amidst the world, we have the potential to feel joy. When we feel joy, we recognize that there are others out there who are hurting and that we oftentimes hurt…likely as a result of feeling joy. However, in feeling joy, we connect more fully to those around us and see ourselves in a community – instead of being confined within our minds. And so, I challenge readers to consider what emotions they are having difficulty accepting, what direction they are being pulled, and how they can step outside of themselves to see that they are a part of the world around them and not defined by their emotions. In these times of social distancing, I am reminded of the stories of the WWII generation. They embraced the reality that what they did at home was a part of helping others fight the injustice around the world even though the times were frightening. In a similar vein, I challenge you to consider taking time to realize that you can acknowledge a full range of positives and negatives, ambivalence, and sorrow through this season, yet find joy in knowing you are seen and heard by your community.

[i] Weisbard, Karen (2010).The Intersubjectivity of Joy in Petruceli, Jean (Ed.), Knowing, Not-Knowing, and Sort-of Knowing: Psychoanalysis and the Experience of Uncertainty (353-363). London, England: Karnac Books Ltd.

A Ministry of Presence

by Sean Blackburn

To be human is to suffer. It’s all around us. If we are not in the midst of suffering, chances are we know someone who is. But how are we supposed to respond when we see others who are suffering?

The story of Job in the Bible tells us about a man named Job who had everything: family, wealth, land; he had it all in abundance. And then, in the course of a day, he loses it all. All his wealth is taken by robbers, his land is scorched by a fire, and all his children die in freak accidents; and to make things worse, Job develops bad boils on his skin all over his body; even his good health has been taken from him. Job is suffering on an unimaginable scale!

When word gets out about what has happened to Job, three of his friends get the news and respond. Here’s what the text says:

11When three of Job’s friends heard of the tragedy he had suffered, they got together and traveled from their homes to comfort and console him. Their names were Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. 12When they saw Job from a distance, they scarcely recognized him. Wailing loudly, they tore their robes and threw dust into the air over their heads to show their grief. 13Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights. No one said a word to Job, they saw that his suffering was too great for words.

When Job’s three friends heard that Job was in pain they traveled to see him, grieved with him, and sat with him in his pain. Verse 13 tells us that they didn’t say a word to him for 7 days.

The story of Job’s three friends reminds us that there is such a thing as a ministry of presence. When it comes to comforting a grieving loved one, sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Instead of answers, sometimes what the grieving person needs is simply for someone to sit with them in their grief so that they’re not alone in those painful feelings.

Sometimes we can be guilty of pretending to know why God has allowed a loved one to suffer the way that they are. We speak for God as if we were defending Him and His actions. As a brother in Christ, I want to lovingly remind you that God has not hired you to be His personal defense attorney, nor does He need one. God is perfectly capable of hearing our cries and difficult questions; and He is more than capable of defending Himself.

Instead of speaking for God, perhaps we can strive to be an extension of God. The God who became human, suffered amongst us, and sat with us in our pain. He is a God of comfort and healing; and He doesn’t have to be speaking to do that.

Some Place Shared

by Joshua Boulter

orange and greens

each caught by the wind,

change occurs before

my eyes.

set against the backdrop

of majestic and crystal blue,

patterns emerging as if

from a field of infinite life.

my solitary existence in

the vast universe

may lead me at times

to think, “why?”

but then I see those colors of

orange, green, and blue,

and the question evaporates.

there is no answer still,

but only quiet stillness,

not unlike that of the

distant blue sky;

I feel the sky within me,

emerging, growing, threatening

to burst forth into new life,

life that I helped create,

like the life of these words.

they are not mine,

at least not mine alone,

but they have come

from

some place shared,

a place that belongs

to us all,

like the blue sky.

there really is no place to go,

nor one from which to begin,

so I guess we are all

already home.

The Gift of Metaphor

by Sean Blackburn

“It’s like I’m running in a marathon that I haven’t trained for”, I said to my therapist one day in therapy. I was 20 years old at the time, in therapy trying to process my parent’s recent decision to file for divorce, and up to that point I had been struggling to describe what I was going through.

I have no idea where that metaphor came from. I hadn’t reflected on it before the session. In fact, I hadn’t thought about my emotions at all before I began therapy; I was too busy finding things to distract me from what I was feeling. And yet, as soon as I took time to process out loud what I was feeling, there it was. The metaphor of being in the middle of a marathon that I hadn’t trained for.

Now that I think back on that metaphor, I think what I was trying to tell my therapist was that I was emotionally exhausted. I wasn’t ready for all the arguing I was about to witness between my parents as they tried to settle the divorce. I wasn’t ready for the burden of having to tread lightly around both of them, being careful not to bring up the other person’s name, or God forbid, that I had shared a pleasant moment with one of them the other day. I was tired of them both looking to me to comfort them during their pain and having to choose between which one I would sympathize with.

At 20 years old I had little-to-no experience processing my emotions in that level of direct honesty. As I tried to share my experience with my therapist that day the only way I felt comfortable doing it was through the metaphor of being in a marathon I hadn’t trained for. And as soon as I gave voice to that thought I instantly felt a sense of relief. Something that I had been feeling for a few months was now being described to another person. As my therapist nodded back at me with a look of compassion, I felt understood, seen.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

One of the fascinating things about the mind is how afraid it can be of knowing itself at times. At an early age we erect psychological defenses meant to prevent ourselves from accepting certain realities about who we are and how we experience the world. Sometimes, when we are in pain, one of the hardest things to do is admit that we are hurting. Metaphor is one way to dip our toe in the pool of reality and face something that we may have been putting off for some time.

For thousands of years poets, song writers, and artists of all kinds have used metaphor to share with the world something profound about what it means to be human. At its best, metaphor offers the ability to speak of an experience in a detached way so I can tolerate the emotions associated with the message. The intolerable suddenly becomes bearable and, at time, the indescribable becomes visible to others.

The Ugly Side of Therapy: MONEY

by: Sandra Davis

Occasionally while browsing Facebook, I’ll see a person asking for recommendations for a counselor or therapist who “isn’t in it for the money.” It stings me – not because I am offended per se – but because the perception that mental health professionals are careless, money-grubbing monsters seems to be the logical result of a much larger problem: mental health services are not affordable to the masses.  According to nami.org, 43.8 million individuals experience mental illness in a given year, which costs up to $193 billion in lost income for those people suffering from severe mental illness. Of these millions of people, only 60% of adults and 50% of children actually received desperately needed mental health services in 2018. Accessibility to services is the most common reason – even ahead of stigma – that many people do not receive the care that in some cases, would save their lives. I receive calls on a weekly basis from people seeking therapy who cannot find a therapist who accepts their benefits, or if they do, those clinicians are no longer accepting patients.

 So here’s the first question: Why don’t more clinicians accept insurance?  The simple answer is that insurance companies are a massive burden (Surprise, surprise!). Their reimbursement rates for clinicians are all over the place, it can often be difficult for clinicians to collect funds (I once chased Aetna over $5000 in the form of weekly 2-3 hour phone calls over the course of a year), and billing is honestly just a bit of a pain.  Clinicians who do accept insurance benefits also have trouble taking on new patients because so many other clinicians do not, therefore their schedules tend to remain full.

 Next question: Can’t clinicians do more low-cost and pro bono work? Why are they so worried about money? This is an honest question with an honest answer. Most individuals who enter a helping field do so because their calling is truly as healers and helpers. Most accept a certain percentage of pro bono and low-cost work (the industry standard is 10%) and would love to take on more. That said, the typical clinician attended anywhere from 6 to 10 years of education to achieve their degrees. The cost of post-graduate education easily reaches six figures for many of them, so in addition to supporting their families, they are attempting to meet the responsibility of repaying large sums of student loan debt. Therefore, accepting high percentages of pro bono work can mean those clinicians are unable to make ends meet despite their desire to help as many individuals as they encounter.

 But therapy is a luxury not a necessity, right? No. For many people, therapy is not only life changing, but also life-saving. Unfortunately the idea of therapy as an indulgent form of bourgeoisie self-care has become mainstream because it is, in fact, expensive. And there lies the rub. Clinicians – who have every desire and intention of helping and healing as many individuals as possible – must charge high fees to compensate for their time and support themselves and their families. The result is often that only people who can afford treatment actually receive it but of course, too many others who need it never end up finding affordable care.

 So back to our Facebook friend looking for a clinician “who’s not all about the money.” What is he to do? The long-term solution will take a village…a big one. Mental healthcare (and healthcare in general) must become a larger conversation and we must begin to focus legislation toward better accessibility and reducing the stigmas around mental illness. Student loan forgiveness programs designed to encourage clinicians to work for nonprofit and public sectors should be steadily enforced to incentivize clinicians to accept lower-paying positions. But there are short-term solutions too. Most counties have some form of a low cost mental health clinic, often formerly known as MHMR’s. They now have various names, such as Metrocare and Lifenet. Many private practices – such as Richland Oaks Counseling – also serve as training programs and therefore have interns across various levels of training and who charge a more negotiable range of fees. Additionally, if an individual finds an out-of-network provider they can often seek at least partial reimbursement from their insurance carriers to help offset the cost.

 Finally – shameless plug of the day – I recently founded The Willow Field Foundation whose mission is to raise charitable funds in order to provide therapy scholarships to individuals who otherwise could not afford competent care. It is a daunting undertaking, again due to the massive cost of therapeutic services, but it’s worth attempting.

 So here’s my Ask: talk about mental health. It’s not shameful to do so. If you’ve had positive experiences with therapy, share those experiences with others. If you need help and are unsure how to go about it, ask! Become advocates among your families, communities, and/or governments about the need and benefit for better accessibility. It will take time and effort but there exists a future where anyone who needs care can receive it without barriers and complications.

When We Don’t Feel “Good Enough”

By Emily Kusunoki

 “I just feel like…I’m not good enough.”

 Sound familiar? The feeling of not being “enough” is a struggle for many who walk into the counseling room. Sometimes, it’s invisible. That is, until the way one feels “good enough” no longer works, and it causes so much distress a change is unavoidable.

 Curt Thompson, psychiatrist and author of The Soul of Shame, provides an example in his book of a patient struggling with feeling “not good enough.” The patient was referred to him for insomnia, but it was quickly evident a sleeping aid would not be sufficient. In a moment of surprising indifference, the patient revealed she was having an affair with her boss. She went on to describe her marriage as boring, with a husband who no longer seemed interested in her after their second child was born. Over the course of several weeks, a narrative emerged in which one emotion seemed to reign rampant over her life, and that emotion was shame.

 The affair between her and her boss began with a message, one this woman interpreted as, “You are the answer to all my questions. You are what I need. You are…enough.”

 Thompson adds that what she was not hearing was the implicit message: “I need you to meet my needs. My needs are more important than you or your marriage or your children. My needs are really all that matter to me. Your needs matter as long as meeting them is a way for me to meet my own.” These words, though insensitive, were implied despite what was spoken.

 We are constantly receiving messages from influential people in our lives, whether through explicit words or the implicit meaning hiding beneath them. And these messages can, well, hurt. What is so striking about this woman’s experience, however, is the familiarity of her shame. When we sense rejection in the relationships closest to us—from those we are the most vulnerable—we often tend to want to withdraw or run away. In an attempt to protect ourselves, we travel deeper into what we feel is under our own control, and away from those who could possibly (and painfully) reject us the most.

 Shame divides us. It lives in the big and small moments of our lives. As Thompson writes, “It emerges in the emotional neglect that seems so minor until its accumulated absence leaves that neglected child with no option but to imagine a story, mostly as a silent movie, in which he is not important…”

 It is critical to recognize that this feeling of “not being enough” draws its power from shame. In an attempt to protect the self, shame may have detained you in the process. Or, like in the case of this patient, caused you to seek after unsafe solutions to pain that only compound the shame.

 For those who see vulnerability as a weakness, they must be reminded of its power to heal. Vulnerability is the only state we can go to deepen our connection with others. When we isolate, we attend to the parts that contain our shame. But we were created to be in relationship. From infancy, our brains await the moment we can finally attach to another human being. Our minds are wired to live in the context of relationship. Without it, we don’t survive.

 Thus, we must acknowledge our shame and the role it plays in our lives. Chances are it is closely tied to our greatest vulnerabilities. But, when we can be vulnerable once more, what follows is the opportunity to be authentically accepted and genuinely loved.

Strong Willed Child/Adolescent

By Amanda Lerchie

Strong willed children and adolescents are unique beings.  They are often courageous, self-motivated, and determined.  Life with these youngsters can be amazing yet challenging; especially from a parent’s perspective. Parenting children and adolescents with this kind of tenacity requires a determination of its own.  Many times, there exists a power struggle between authority and will.  Parents/caregivers can find themselves frustrated and powerless to say the least.  The endless exertion of wills often leads to exhaustion and self-doubt on the parent’s part. To make matters worse, parents may see themselves in their strong-willed child.

Understanding what motivates your child or adolescent can provide a glimpse into the inner workings of their thoughts and behaviors.  Many strong willed children and adolescents need respect and a way to communicate their needs.  According to James Dobson, author of The Strong Willed Child, children with this type of personality need parents who offer creative, firm, but flexible guidance.  Dobson also points out that respect can be shown to strong willed children/adolescents through allowing daily choices.

There are a few fundamental things to consider when parenting strong willed children and adolescents:

1)      Less is More

The language we use with our kiddos is crucial.  Creative, positive phrasing can make all the difference. Dr. Laura Markham recommends using short, repetitive phrases like, “I hear that you don’t want to ____? Can you tell me about that? Helping them stay calm while addressing the issue.

2)      It Can be an Asset

These “difficult” traits can become your child’s greatest virtues as an adult.  Many influential and forward thinking leaders embody these personality characteristics.  With proper guidance, they can learn to use these skills in a productive way.

3)      Connection is Key

Connection and balance with these children and adolescents is essential to their well-being.  Offering consistency and love can help them thrive.  Discover their passions and help them explore them. Reach out for personal or professional help if you find yourself stumped.

Additional Resources:

▪The Strong Willed Child by Charles Dobson 

https://www.focusonthefamily.ca/content/what-sets-them-off-understanding-your-strong-willed-child

▪Whole Brain Child ▪No Drama Discipline ▪Brain Storm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Dr. Dan Siegel & Dr. Tina Payne Bryson

https://www.mindsightinstitute.com/whole-brain-child?campname=dds-links&camplink=DDSWBC

▪Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham

https://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child